文：侯道禹(方元)｜譯：宋馨蓉
在我成長過程中，父母親常想將我送到台灣參加一個名為「愛之船」的文化交流計畫。它聽起來只是一個鼓勵美國出生的台灣小孩回到台灣的政府贊助活動，但我一直認為那是父母為了安排我未來婚姻的一種陰謀。我每年都想辦法躲過這個計畫，直到我弟弟漸漸長大，當他開始參加那個活動，我記得那種釋放的感覺，我彷彿逃過了某種命運的安排。
直到多年後的現在，我發現自己結婚了，在台灣，並思索著命運這件事。事實上，和當時完全相反的，我思索的是，命運是多麼美麗又奇妙，我在台灣找到了我夢中的女人，我很快樂，像是走在雲端上，看到、嚐到、嗅到、感受到的一切都像是新鮮的、春天裡的山中花園，父母親自然也都很高興。但是我並不把這一切視為理所當然，因為我明白關係也可能在瞬間產生變化、變得困難。
從業力管理的角度來看，當事情變得困難時，我們會說種子在心識裡轉換了。我們都看過那些隱藏錄像機的電視節目，暗地裡錄下不知情主角的生活片段。主角那無辜、尷尬與困惑的綜合反應，讓人覺得很好笑。
然而，潛意識心就像是錄像機，客觀且獨立。它不會覺得設計一個日本男子裸體走進道具做的假三溫暖裡，讓他在顛簸中滑下雪山的惡作劇（日本綜藝節目內容），有什麼幽默之處。看到人被冒犯還覺得有趣，自然是件糟糕的事。但如果我們不了解心識是如何留下印記與種子，我們過的也就是像那位被惡作劇的日本男子一樣，過著被蒙在鼓裡的人生，覺得自己只是想在忙碌工作後渡個假，卻忽然莫名其妙地發現，自己正光溜溜又疑惑地滑下雪山。
關係也一樣，充滿了驚喜與轉變。你是否曾遇過這種狀況，一大早起來為伴侶煮咖啡、做早餐，突然間也不知怎麼的，兩人已經陷入爭執。發生了什麼事？這是從何而來？一切原本還進行得很順利，突然間就懊惱又困惑地滑下了山。在心識裡留下種子的方式，和照相機客觀留下影像的情形是一樣的。當種子成熟時，我們很難預料即將發生的狀況，會是好種子或壞種子所造成，這種不可預知性，就是人們的情緒常像在搭雲霄飛車的原因。
在關係裡，我們和對方的互動，取決於自身的動機和智慧，並透過我們的言語、行為和思想，以心識種子的形式種下一個能量潛力。有時候，這些過程是有意識的，有時候則無。但人與人的關係是否快樂與成功，完全取決於這些心識印記與種子，所以除非我們努力練習，並小心觀照自己的心，否則在怒火上升的瞬間，很容易就傷害到對方，並同時種下許多壞的種子。
不幸的是在關係裡，大部分的人都會做出讓自己不快樂的事；當情況不順利時，進入另一段關係來逃避現有的關係，談論、八卦別人，卻無視自身的問題，或憤怒、沮喪的感受；甚至說謊，或對彼此說出批判性的話語，而不溝通心裡真正在意的是什麼。如果我們不檢視這些，就很容易不斷灑下許多負面的種子，不到種子成熟前都不能得知後果。
但如果我們能明白心識種子和負面情緒與經驗的關聯性，並負起責任，找機會種下愛的種子，就能繼續走在那美妙的雲端上。如果你想要改變你的關係，這裡有七個可以幫助你的祕訣：
- 珍惜你的伴侶：當情況不順利或關係卡住時，我們常會忘了當初為何被對方吸引。花點時間回想那些特別的瞬間，回想當你們第一次見面、墜入愛河的情境，把這正向的畫面保持在你心裡。擴展那樣的心情，直到你真的在心裡感受到溫暖、柔軟的感覺。觀想你自己當初珍愛對方的樣子，並在每一次不高興或失控的時候，把這畫面帶到心裡，並試著安靜下來。當你對伴侶越有耐性，你就種下被許多美好包圍的種子。
- 用你的心聆聽：有時伴侶需要的只是被聽見，就這麼簡單。如果你發現伴侶不聽你說話，很可能是因為你也不常聽對方說話。種下接受和細心聆聽的種子，不打斷，也不提供自己的意見。我們常常高估了自己的意見，又低估了對方的。既使你有好的建議，不要說話，讓你的伴侶有時間分享他們的想法。支持他們，讓他們成為好點子的巨星。
- 不要害怕臣服：試著停止爭吵一次，這是個美麗的練習，它可以讓你放下預設立場和過於重視自我的習慣，這些習慣會降低我們的慈悲與愛，放下這些將能讓我們避免種下壞的種子。我們常會沉浸在自我的需要裡，一早起來忘了伴侶也需要我們的關心。試著去觀察，當你放下對錯，讓伴侶覺得自己是對的（即使你覺得是錯的），會帶來什麼結果。這個練習比你想像的還不痛苦，至少，從伴侶臉上的表情，會覺得這一切努力都值得了。
- 自我反省：寫下一張關於伴侶所有讓你覺得困擾、煩惱的清單，然後誠實地問自己，是否也有相同的行為。也許你並沒注意到自己會這樣對待伴侶，也或許是發生在職場裡，檢視自己在商業關係中的品德與誠信，並努力專注在這些問題上。每天都把這張清單放在面前，為自己設立一個目標，每天一點一點地減少這些負面行為。也許不會馬上成功，但光是這樣認真又有建設性的自我努力，就可以種下真正快樂的種子。
- 一起照顧某人：對伴侶關係來說，一起種下幫助他人的種子是很重要的。再也沒有比幫助別人快樂更滿足的事情，也沒有什麼比隨機的善意，能讓人感到興奮。當兩人花時間一起計畫去幫助別人，彼此的問題也會開始減少。這也是一個充滿創意的過程，你可以想想需要幫助的朋友、慈善團體或一些需要的機構，或是在附近的教堂、流浪動物之家當義工，找一個能展現你內在價值觀的計畫，並認真執行它。
- 視你的伴侶為天使：伴侶能給我們的，遠超過愛和瞭解。伴侶是我們最偉大的老師，幫助我們發展自我與心靈。要獲得這些幫助，我們必須放掉將伴侶視為普通人的觀念。你對待伴侶越特別，你越能在心識裡種下超凡的種子，看見你的丈夫、妻子、男朋友或女朋友成為你的靈性伴侶，幫助你在個人的進化上更上一層樓。天使能看見我們的潛力，並比我們還要相信自己。少了這個人的信任，我們甚至會失去相信自己的勇氣。如果一個人總是把自己的伴侶看成愚蠢的失敗者，就越容易讓關係停留在較低的層次。
- 受到鼓舞卻保持中性：以上的一切都是為了能從根本轉化、發展你的內在品質，而不是形諸於外，讓別人覺得你的動機有多棒。你也許已經發現，當你越希望先讓別人開心，自己就會變得更開心。這些都需要認真並持續的努力，不要期待你今天種下的種子明天就會馬上成熟。你會期待你上周種下的西瓜種子，立即就從地底下噴出一顆西瓜嗎？種子和關係一樣，需要時間孕育。
如果我們種下好的、強壯、健康的種子，即使兩個完全不同的人，有著相反的個性，還是可以很快樂的在一起。當關係面臨壓力與挑戰時、當溝通破裂時、當情況使得彼此難以享受對方的存在時，將這七個祕訣放在身邊。保持你柔軟的心，並傾聽，記住天使有時會以令人難以理解和不可思議的表現來幫助你。在任何你需要冷靜的時候，記起當初是什麼把你們帶向彼此，憶起關係中那幅完美的畫面。
花點時間思考這七個祕訣，對照一下自身的經驗。你總不希望在關係裡，像那位日本朋友般，疑惑又赤裸裸地往下滑吧！
英文文章
When I was growing up my parents tried to send me to Taiwan by putting me in a Taiwanese cultural exchange program called the “love boat.” It sounded like some kind of government sponsored program to bring American born Taiwanese children to Taiwan and I thought of it as a conspiracy to arrange my future marriage. Each year I managed to avoid the “love boat” until my younger brother was old enough. After he was enrolled, I remember feeling a sense of relief that I had escaped a certain fate.
Many years later now, I find myself married in Taiwan and wondering about that fate. In fact, I’ve gone to the other extreme and wondered how beautiful and amazing it is that I found the woman of my dreams – in Taiwan! I’m happy, my parents are happy, I’m walking on clouds with everything looking, tasting, smelling and feeling like a fresh spring mountain garden. But I don’t take things for granted. I know that relationships can get difficult and change.
From a karmic management perspective when things get difficult we say that seeds shift in our mind. We’ve all seen those hidden camera video shows that capture moments of an unsuspecting person’s life. The combination of innocence, embarrassment and bewilderment makes these shows a good laugh.
But the subconscious mind is like the camera, objective and unattached. It doesn’t appreciate the humor when the naked Japanese man walks into a fake sauna and ends up sliding down a snowy mountain on a chair with his stick and stones bouncing around.
It’s terrible to take pleasure when another person is violated, but regardless of how we feel about it, if we don’t understand how the mind records mental imprints and seeds, we live our life in the same unsuspecting way. We think we’re on vacation after working so hard in the office, but suddenly something shifts and we find ourselves completely exposed and confused as we slide down the mountain.
Relationships are the same, full of surprises and shifts. Ever wonder how you could wake up early in the morning to make your partner coffee and breakfast only to find yourself suddenly out of nowhere, in a heated argument before you even get up from the kitchen table? What happened, where did this come from? Everything was going so well and then suddenly we’re sliding down the mountain upset and confused. Think about the objective video camera and how mental seeds are planted in our subconscious mind in the same way. When these seeds ripen, it’s very hard to predict whether our experiences will be the result of a good or bad seed. This unpredictability is why we might find ourselves on an emotional rollercoaster in our relationships.
Depending on our motivation and level of wisdom, every interaction we have with another person plants an energetic potential in the form of a mental seed. These mental seeds come from the things we say, do and think. Sometimes we’re conscious of these actions and sometimes we’re not, but how happy and successful our relationship is depends very much on these mental imprints and seeds. Unless we diligently practice and carefully watch our minds, in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to hurt others and find yourself planting many bad seeds.
Unfortunately, in relationships most people do the exact opposite of what they should do if they want to be happy. When things get rough, we escape to another relationship to avoid our current one. We might talk and gossip about other peoples’ problems, while we ignore our own problems and feelings of anger and frustration. We might even lie and say critical things to each other without communicating what’s really wrong. The stronger the intention and emotion involved, the stronger the impression that’s planted in our mind. If left unchecked, it’s quite easy to plant many negative mental seeds over the course of a relationship without realizing the consequences until they ripen.
So now comes the fun part. After we become aware of this connection between mental seeds and our negative emotions and experiences, we have to take responsibility and find opportunities to plant seeds of love if we want to keep walking on those clouds.
If you want to turn your relationship around and create the seeds for a successful partnership, here are 7 fun tips to help you be happy in your relationship.
1) Cherish Your Partner.
When things get rough or the relationship is stuck, sometimes we forget why we were attracted to our partner in the first place. Take a moment to recall those special moments when you first met and fell in love, and keep that positive image in your mind. Develop that state of mind as much as you can until you actually feel that warm, soft feeling in your heart. Visualize yourself cherishing your partner the way you used to and start bringing this to mind every time you get upset or lose yourself in the heat of the moment. Cool down. The more patient you are with your partner, the more seeds you plant to see yourself surrounded by beautiful things.
2) Listen with Your Heart.
As simple as this sounds, most of the time our partner just wants to be heard. Chances are that if your partner doesn’t listen, you don’t listen much either. Plant the seed for listening by being receptive and attentive without interrupting or giving your own opinion. We tend to overestimate the value of our own opinions and underestimate the opinions of others. Even if you have good opinions, refrain from talking and give your partner time to share their thoughts. Support them and let them be the superstar with all the good ideas.
3) Don’t be Afraid to Surrender.
Try giving up the fight for once. This is a beautiful practice that allows you to let go of your expectations and self-cherishing habits. These are the kinds of bad seeds that we want to avoid because it reduces our ability to be compassionate and loving. We’re so absorbed with our own agenda that we wake up every morning forgetting that our partner needs attention too. See what happens if you surrender your own attachments to what’s right or wrong, and be willing to let your partner be right even if they’re wrong. This exercise is much less painful than you imagine, and at minimum, the expression on your partner’s face will be worth the effort.
4) Self Reflect.
Write out a list of everything that bothers and irritates you about your partner. Then honestly look at what you wrote and ask yourself if you exhibit the same behaviors. You might not notice that you treat your partner as such, but it may be happening at work or with random people you encounter throughout the day. Check how ethical and honest you are in your business and relationship interactions and commit to focusing on these issues. Keep this list in front of you everyday. Make efforts to refrain from this behavior little by little with the goal of eliminating the negative behaviors. You might not succeed immediately, but dedicated and constructive efforts at self-improvement plants seeds for true happiness.
5) Take Care of Someone Together.
As partners, it’s very important to plant seeds for helping others. There’s nothing more fulfilling than making other people happy, and there’s nothing more exciting than surprising yourself with random acts of kindness. When two people spend time developing a plan to serve someone else, their own problems start to decrease. This is a creative process where you think of a friend, charity or organization that you can help. It can be volunteering at your church or hospital or helping the local animal shelter. Find something that expresses your deeper values and commit yourself to a project.
6) See Your Partner as an Angel.
A partner provides more than love and understanding. They are our greatest teacher and help us develop both personally and spiritually. To achieve these benefits we have to overcome the idea that our partner is an ordinary person. The more special you treat your partner, the more extraordinary the seeds you plant in your mind to see your husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend as a spiritual partner that moves you higher in your personal evolution. An angel sees our potential and believes in us more than we do. Without this person’s belief we might never have had the courage to believe in ourselves. However, if you let yourself believe that your partner’s stupid and a loser, you essentially keep your relationship at this low level.
7) Change Your Aspirations but Stay Neutral.
The point of all of this is to make a radical transformation and improve your inner qualities without externally showing other people how great your intentions are. You might have noticed that the more you aspire to make other people happy first, the happier you become yourself. This takes dedicated and sustained effort but don’t expect that the seeds you plant today immediately ripen tomorrow. Would you expect a watermelon to shoot out of the ground if you just planted the seed last week? Seeds take time to germinate and grow just like relationships.
If we plant good, strong, healthy seeds, even two completely different people with opposite personalities can be happy together. When the relationship is stressed and challenged, when communication breaks down and circumstances make it hard to enjoy each other’s company, keep these 7 tips nearby. Soften your heart, listen, remember that angels can behave in mysterious ways to help you. Remember what originally brought you together and recall that perfect image of your relationship whenever you need to cool down.
Spend time thinking about these 7 ideas and check it against your own experience. You don’t want to live your life like our confused friend speeding down the snowy mountain without any pants.
